The New Rules of Self-Care with Dr. Monica Vermani (C.Psych)

Aug 7

Self-Care Isn't Selfish: What Dr. Monica Vermani Wants Every Woman to Know

We're taught early to put everyone else first — to be the "good girl," the good daughter, the good employee. In a recent conversation, clinical psychologist and author Dr. Monica Vermani unpacked why so many women feel exhausted, disconnected, and unfulfilled even while doing "everything right," and what it actually takes to change that.

The Root of the Problem

Our patterns of self-care (or self-neglect) start at home between ages 0–10. We absorb our parents' coping styles, values, and unspoken rules — long before we're old enough to question them. Left unexamined, those inherited habits quietly shape how we treat ourselves as adults.

Chronic stress happens when your output exceeds your input — when what life demands of you outpaces the energy you have to give. And instead of reducing output, most of us try to grind harder, sacrificing sleep, boundaries, and joy along the way.

The Four Pillars of Energy

Dr. Vermani breaks daily energy down into four sources most of us take for granted:

Food — are you fueling yourself, or just stimulating and crashing all day?
Sleep — the body's true reset button, often the first thing sacrificed.
Exercise & breathing — most of us breathe shallow, which tightens muscles and fogs the mind.
A calm state of mind — dealing with what's unresolved instead of burying it.

Awareness Comes First

Every unresolved problem shows up in three ways: physically (headaches, fatigue, tension), cognitively (negative self-talk, limiting beliefs), and behaviorally (avoidance, overeating, people-pleasing). Naming which one is showing up for you is the first real step toward change.

INSIGHTS: Key Takeaways You Can Act On

Start small. Pick one physical symptom, one negative thought, or one behavior to work on this week — not everything at once.
Use mantras deliberately. Try a short daily affirmation like "I am safe, healthy, and protected" or "I am capable" to consciously replace negative self-talk.
Build a morning ritual. Even a few deep breaths and one gratitude statement can shift your whole day's trajectory.
Practice saying no with love. "I love you, but I don't have the time for that" sets a boundary without cruelty.
Journal one joy a day. Training your brain to notice small wins rebuilds resilience over time.
Treat guilt as a signal, not a verdict. It usually means your true self and your "expected self" are in conflict — worth investigating, not obeying automatically.
Make your life "sweet on its own." Build a life you love first; relationships should add to it, not complete it.